


Just Like Breathing

by maywemeetagainlove



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Post-Eclipse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-18 13:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21711496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maywemeetagainlove/pseuds/maywemeetagainlove
Summary: Post-Eclipse. What if Bella ended up choosing Jacob after all?
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Still Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.

I pushed my truck as fast as it could go. Once she hit 55, the engine had rebelled, wheezing and sputtering its protest. Even though I was anxious to get to my destination, I did not want to break down on the road leading to my future. Not now. 

I eased off the gas a little, frowning as I did so. I appealed to reason but unfortunately, reason won out this round. Jacob had waited for me for so long. What difference would another ten minutes make? It was not as if anyone was following me. At least not yet. 

I had left Charlie's in such a hurry, so spur of the moment, that I knew Alice wouldn't have had enough time to intervene. Not enough time to call Edward and have him come back at the speed of light and prevent me from crossing the treaty line. Still, I repeatedly checked the rear view mirror every sixty seconds or so, just in case. Eight more minutes...

Eight minutes. It seemed like an eternity to me. _Stupid truck!_ And as if it had read my mind, the engine coughed in protest, almost as if threatening to make me wait a lot longer than the eight minutes I was agonizing over. "Oh no, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry." Absentmindedly, I started to stroke the steering wheel that I had just released my death grip on, as if to assuage the wound I had made in my ancient vehicle's ego. It must have worked because the engine stopped its audible tirade and seemed to roar smoothly, almost purring like a kitten being petted. This allowed me to check the rear view mirror one more time. Still nothing. Then I checked my watch. Seven minutes.

I almost couldn't believe how suddenly my world had turned around just eight minutes ago. There I was, Bella Swan, in Forks, cooking dinner for the Chief Of Police, waiting for my fiance, Edward Cullen, to come back to me once he was finished on his _family trip_. I had been irrevocably in love with the man I watched the clock with such a ferocity for, counting down the hours, no minutes, until he was holding me in his perfect marble arms again, pressing his cold lips to mine. My heart had skipped a beat at the thought. 

Chicken Enchiladas. That had been what I was making for Charlie. That had been my undoing. It didn't hit me until I was spooning the chicken onto the tortilla that I was also making one of Jacob's favorite dishes. Suddenly, the familiar routine triggered a memory.

It had been during the time that--gulp--Edward had left me. I still winced at the memory of that dark time even though the hole had gotten much better, had healed over some since Edward had been back. Jacob had already started phasing and I had already known what he had become. 

On one particular day, Sam decided to give Jacob some time off. Just a few hours since they had been patrolling non-stop, back to back, for Victoria. Still, Jacob and I did not fail to take advantage of that time. I was in La Push in fifteen minutes after he had called. Once greeted by one of his huge bone-crushing bear hugs and then choking out a plea for air, him letting me go and laughing warmly as only my Jacob could, we had gone down to First Beach, hand in hand. 

I had grown used to him taking my hand whenever the opportunity presented itself. Normally, with anyone else, I would have protested, even snatched my hand away, uncaring and numb to the feelings that might be hurt upon such a strong reaction, especially if they were Mike Newton's. However, when Jacob engulfed my small hand in his own, the warmth from his skin spread all throughout my body, being magical in its path, bringing everything to life. No pain. No numbness. No zombie-like version of myself. That didn't mean that I wasn't still hurting but it wasn't as bad in Jacob's presence. Especially when he held my hand, keeping me connected to his kindred spirit through the touch. 

We walked for a while on the beach in silence. Not an awkward one at all, no. It was a comfortable one. We were perfectly capable of being in each other's company and able to have a few minutes of silence without feeling the societal norm of trying to fill the space with words. Nope, not us. Soon, we came upon our tree. The dead piece of driftwood that we always seemed to pull towards to whenever we were in the area, together or alone. The place where Jacob had first told me about the "Cold Ones", not knowing at the time that he was breaking the treaty. 

He sat down and pulled me down to sit with him. I was taken by surprise by this quick action and was also in shock at not falling and tripping in the process, that my body allowed itself to be led to where Jacob's arms directed it. Right onto his lap. _Well, this is different. What the heck?_ I wondered if I should struggle. Get up quickly and tell him that I could sit on the tree just fine by myself, thank you. But I also knew that he would take this as a rejection, as it was meant to be, rightfully so, but that it would hurt him. And I would have to see _that_ look upon his face. Again. The one where the pain flashed quickly in his eyes, so fast that I almost couldn't catch it, but then his lower lip would begin to tremble and he would bite down on it to try to keep the tears from his eyes. Or I could get the other one. Jacob sometimes would change into Sam's Jacob and be cold and biting and angry and I might get him today instead of my Jacob.

All of these swirling thoughts were hurting my head and I decided to give in and just sit there. I couldn't deal with either Jacob right now and I didn't want to make him mad at me or even sad because his pain became my pain, all too often. So I sighed and relaxed my muscles that had been tense and prepared for flight, and laid my head back against him. I thought I heard a sound of contentment escape his throat as I did this but I couldn't be sure and I didn't have the guts to look back at him to see what expression he wore now.

We both stared silently out over the waves, lapping at the shore. We heard the gulls cry and the crashing of the water in front of us. This was peaceful. His heat kept me warm as his arms had encircled me about five minutes ago. And his embrace seemed to keep the hole at bay, almost as if he was holding me together. Then the memories started to surface. They were trying to break through, trying to break the door down that I had so carefully built and would never open. Yet, here in Jacob's arms, I felt safe, protected. The hole wasn't surging thanks to him so I opened the door a little, just to take a peek, and what happened then shocked me. It was Edward trying to break through as I knew he would but he was followed by Alice, Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle. Even Jasper. Rosalie tagged behind unwillingly, almost as if she didn't want to be there but had come because her family had. It was almost as if I could hear their voices, all distinct and separate in their own entities but also in unison, shouting at me.

"Bella, I'm very disappointed. I know we left and you were hurting but don't give up on us. You're like a daughter to me." Carlisle? Who would have thought he would be the first to speak?

"Bella. I lost my own child. Please don't make me lose another." Esme's eyes were glistening, almost as if the tears were about to break the amber surface and start spilling onto her white perfect cheeks. Wait, vampires couldn't cry, could they? I didn't think they could, but it still didn't stop the lump from forming in my throat at this image. I loved Renee but Esme had been more like the mother I had always needed, always wanted, regardless of the fact that her heart would never beat and that one big hug from her could kill me. 

Emmett spoke next. "Little sister, who am I going to have to laugh at? You keep me entertained. I would do anything for you. And so would Rose." I heard the hiss in the background which clearly indicated that Rose would _not_ do anything for me. "She would. She just doesn't want you to know it. And, well, we miss having you around." He looked sheepish at this last statement and I wished nothing more than to be able to give him a huge hug and tell him I would be with them all. Always.

"Bella. I thought we were supposed to be sisters. I know Edward's leaving had a huge effect on you and I know he was wrong. But he did it for you. I don't want to lose you, Bella. Please." Alice's words cut into my heart (or what was left of it anyways) deeply. I figured Jasper would be the next to speak but he just looked at me strangely. It was a face mixed with shame, pity, loss and confusion. Then he turned away from me. I looked after him expectantly, still waiting for him to say something when I heard that smooth velvet voice I had been putting myself in harm's way for all of these months to hear.

"Bella. You can't. I still love you. I need you. My life is nothing without you here beside me. I love you." His voice choked off at the end, betraying his emotions. I turned and stared into his golden eyes. They had become a bit darker with those last three words. And I could tell he was scared of losing me.

The lump was so big now that I couldn't swallow. At least not without a lot of pain. I could feel the moisture behind my eyes beginning to sting as they tried to reach the surface. And then, I felt like I couldn't breathe. His dark eyes began to fade, staring at me in accusation, heartbreak, disbelief, and sadness. Everyone behind him was fading too, all looking at me in grief and betrayal. "No!" I shouted. "Edward! Come back! Edward! Don't go! I love you!"

"Bella!"

I immediately returned to the beach, the waves, the gulls, and the sand taking up my sight again as I returned to my body. Although, they all seemed to be quivering quite rapidly, making me dizzy, and I realized Jacob was shaking me. Still being somewhat disoriented, I turned my face up to glare at him. He had made them leave! They were here! But as my eyes found his, I saw pain in them, reflected in their dark depths, his brows furrowed over them, staring at me, determining that I was alright and then he looked away. His face was now fixed in a glare, settling over the grey ocean behind us. Something in his expression led me to believe that he was mad at me. And that, especially at this moment, I could not have.

"I fell asleep, didn't I?"

It seemed like forever until I heard his quiet reply. "Yeah."

"I yelled those things out, didn't I?"

As soon as I said it, I felt him tense underneath me. He let out a sigh. There was still anger in his expression but it had softened just a little. "Yeah."

It was my turn to sigh. I began to lift myself off of him when I felt his arms, still encasing me, tighten and pull me back down to him.

"Where are you going?"

I turned to see his eyes studying me intently. His eyes, still full of pain, still piercing into me as only they could, were now also casting worry. Worry for me. And something else I couldn't quite place...

"I'm leaving, Jacob."

His expression then turned to one of disbelief. "Why?"

"Because...I feel bad. I feel like we were having such a nice day and I ruined it. I didn't mean to fall asleep and have that dream. I feel really bad. Sam only gave you a few hours off today and you shouldn't have to spend it with me crying on your shoulder about--" deep breath"--him."

I waited as that sunk in. His face displayed a story of emotions that I couldn't keep up with even if I tried. Finally, he lowered his eyes to the ground. "Bells," he began.

"I mean it, Jacob. I just...I'm a mess, Jacob. You know this. I try to get better and better every day. I really do but nothing I am doing is helping. And you know what's really sick, Jacob? The really messed up part? Half of me doesn't want to get better. On some level, I just want to wait, freeze time if I could, until Edward realizes his mistake and comes back for me. Until they come back for me." I could feel myself on the edge now. I looked back at him and his expression hadn't changed, only intensified in its sadness. God, I hated this! Why did I have to cause him so much pain? He still hadn't said anything and I let out another deep sigh. I moved to get up and this time he didn't stop me. Just as I was about to step away from him and start heading back up to his house where my truck waited for me, I felt him grab my hand and pull me back to him. Before I could turn to him and tell him to let me leave, thinking this was a last ditch effort on his part to guilt me into staying with those eyes of his boring into mine, his grip on my hand tightened. Tightened to a point where I felt the circulation in my fingers stop.

I tried to pull my hand away and he wouldn't let it go. I turned to face him, to yell at him to let me go, but stopped short when I saw the look in his eyes. There was no more sadness there. He was angry. I caught the tremors out of the corner of my eye and began to worry. _Oh God, he's angry. I can't have him phase with me right here with him._ My heart beat began to race as the tremors quickly moved from his shoulders down to his arms and then I could feel them in my hands. Well, the one hand really, the other was still numb from his grip. I wasn't sure what to do. I froze in fear. He was losing it, that much I could tell. _What do I do? How do I calm him down?_ "Jacob." I said gently but with steel in my voice. "Jacob, you're hurting me. Please let go." He made no movement to indicate that he had heard me nor did he release my hand. The tremors only got worse.

"Jake!" I yelled. "Let go!"

Still nothing. His shape was beginning to blur before me.

"Jake!" I screamed. "Please! I can't feel my arm! You're hurting me!" which ended in a shriek. That must have done it because before I knew it, my hand was released and he was Jacob again and had stepped back from me a few feet. He was shaking his head, eyes closed, trying to get control. My hand was throbbing with the painful resurgence of blood rushing through my fingers and palm. But that was the last thing I was focusing on. I watched as he fought his wolf side and regained control. It only took him a minute but I could feel myself, one foot over the edge. I felt like I was near a predator, freezing in fear, not wanting to move, not making a sound lest he saw me and came after me. As soon as he was Jacob again, he looked up at me, a mix of regret, apology, and surprisingly still some anger shining in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I don't know what came over me. That was close. Is your hand okay?" He asked quietly.

I wasn't sure what to say. I was afraid to set him off again. I was afraid to speak. "Yeah," I settled on as I wiggled my fingers to demonstrate the truth of that statement, even though I winced at the motion.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get that angry. God!" He lifted both hands and grabbed his cropped black hair and pulled, closing his eyes as he did so.

My sense of self-preservation which had never seemed to be in working order before was completely active today and wouldn't allow me to utter a single word yet as I watched his desperate actions. No matter how badly I wanted to go put my arms around him and assure him everything was okay.

Finally, he turned towards me with open eyes and hands down at his sides. He looked so angry I thought the tremors would start again and this time I was ready to run. But, somehow, he remained calm, the anger only rolling off of him in waves, directly aimed at me.

"You know, Bella? I seriously cannot take this crap anymore! I'm trying to do what I can for you. I am. I've tried to be your friend and take care of you and fix the hole he left behind. I'm trying but goddammit, you're making it so difficult! I know you're hurt, I know you're broken, I know that a part of you still loves him. I get that! But, I'm right here in front of you, Bella! I'm here everyday while he's not! Not him or any of those other freakin' bloodsuckers!" I winced at the term but he didn't hold back. "That's right, bloodsuckers! That's what they are! They may not feed on humans but they still sucked the life out of you just as much as if they were. Me, Charlie, the Pack, we're all here! Still! Protecting you, taking care of you and you--you still want them all back? As if we don't matter? That you'd just leave with them in a heartbeat--" he snorted at the irony of the term"--after they hurt you the way they have? Just leave us behind? The ones that clearly need you, clearly want you around?"

That word cut through me. _Want._ He was referring to Edward's last words to me in the woods when he left. After some time, I had been able to talk to Jacob about it and now he was throwing it back in my face? Uh uh. I could feel the anger resonating through my body, the blood rushing to my cheeks as I stood up, bringing myself to my full height (even though this was nothing compared to him) and launched my own tirade at him. I spat the words in his direction as if they were venom.

"Really? That's funny, Jake. I seem to recall a time when you did leave me. Remember when you refused to take my phone calls? Remember how you had Billy lie to me for weeks? Remember what you said to me in the woods by your house? Do you remember? Huh? And you're telling me about the Cullens, that they're worse than you and the pack? Ha! I think not. And yet I forgave you. Still took you back. And why is that okay for you and not him? Aren't we being a little hypocritical here? You're no better than him!"

He didn't even flinch. He just yelled back at me, equally meeting my angry stare and with the same level of acidity in his voice. "I didn't leave you! I _couldn't_ see you. They wouldn't let me. I was told it was to keep you safe, to protect you. Not because I _wanted_ to. Not because I chose to walk away. And those words in the woods--they killed me, Bella. They hurt me to say as much as they hurt you to hear them. You know that. But I did what I had to do to protect you. And I'd do it again in a second if it meant keeping you safe."

He was right. I did know that. I had seen his face that day as he had said those horrible words. Agony. That was it. But I didn't care about that right now. I was angry. I was definitely way past rational thought, over the edge, both of my feet having leapt off long ago as soon as I had heard that word. _Want._

"Whatever. The point is it's my life, Jacob. You act like you understand but you really don't. My heart was broken! He was everything to me! I was going to spend the rest of eternity with him!" He bristled at this but I didn't care, I didn't hold back. "And then he tells me he doesn't want me, as you so kindly reminded me, thank you. Because as if I don't relive that painful moment every day and every night enough as it is, I really needed you to shine the light on it for me even more. So thank you. Really. But hey, you're just being a good friend, right?" Sarcasm was definitely bleeding into my anger but I didn't care. I was far from being done. He opened his mouth a few times to speak but I kept cutting him off. "Jacob, you're never going to know how it feels." _Oh no._ Tears were starting to burn in my eyes now. Just when I don't want to show a weakness. Not here. Not now. But as usual. _Freakin' emotions._ "You're never going to understand that the person you love, who you feel like you're meant for, is not only gone, but didn't feel the same way for you. When I was with him, I felt complete. Whole. Right. And then he left me. I know that. But it doesn't change the pain I feel everyday. It doesn't change the fact that I would do anything to have him back!" Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks now, leaving a wet hot trail in their wake. _Dammit!_ "It's like a huge hole has been ripped out of me and no matter what I do, I can't get it to stop hurting or ever fill it. I'm supposed to forget but how can I? How can I?" I screamed. I didn't even check for Jacob's reaction. I just sank to my knees, crying hysterically, sniffling away. I brought my hands up to my face as I tried to muffle my sobs. "He's never coming back! He's never..." _Sniff._ "He didn't want me," I whispered brokenly. This was the truth I had been trying to deny. This was the one thing I was afraid to admit to anyone, never mind myself. And it hurt. The hole had been set on fire and there was no quenching those flames. Boy, did it hurt.

As my sobs slowly became less and less, I noticed I could hear the gulls again and the waves. So quiet, I almost thought Jacob wasn't there. Maybe I had scared him away. Maybe he had finally realized just what a lost cause I truly was and had left, shaking his head and wondering why he had even bothered in the first place. He had been true to his promise, trying to be there for me, but this was too much for anyone to try to handle. I couldn't blame him. He wanted me and here I was crying over another who wasn't coming back while Jacob had stayed. I sniffled into my hands, afraid to take them away for fear of seeing the empty space that had been vacated by my former best friend, my personal sun. I was lost now. Suddenly, I felt two huge warm arms wrap around me and lift me up into his chest, bridal style. He hadn't left. He was still here. Like always.

I refused to move my hands. I couldn't let him see me right now. I was too embarrassed. I had just had a meltdown of epic proportions and I'm sure my face reflected the aftermath. Not something I would want to see right now, never mind him. I felt him moving beneath me. He must be carrying me back up to my truck so he can tell me to leave and never come back, that he had made a mistake in the car that night after the theater. The sobs started up again. I had just lost my best friend. The one person in the world I needed and now I've lost him for good because he saw how truly messed up I was. I cried, leaned my head against his chest and waited for him to put me down near my truck, quietly asking me to leave and never return. I would never be able to smile again, never be around Jacob and his lightness ever again, and I was just depressed. Everything and everyone was gone. The Cullens, Edward, now Jacob, and that would mean Billy and the Pack, too. And it was all because of me. Yes, I still had Charlie, but he didn't know how to handle me at this point. He still watched me carefully as if I might break into a thousand pieces at any second. He had even tried to ship me off to Renee after he had left because he couldn't handle me. And Renee. Well, Renee would try her best, but she couldn't really help. How do you tell your mother that you scared off your vampire soulmate and his family and your werewolf best friend within months of each other? Yeah, I bet that conversation would be real uplifting. 

As these thoughts were running rampant in my crazy head, I heard a noise. A creaking of a door. A screen door to be exact. And I noticed I couldn't hear the sounds outside anymore. No animals, no waves, no wind. Nothing. Just silence. I was tempted to find out where I was but still too scared to take my hands away. I felt Jacob move underneath me as if he was sitting down and he moved me with him. I felt him lift one of his arms and I figured this was it. How am I going to get through tonight knowing I wouldn't be able to see him anymore? 

While I was waiting for his harsh command to tell me to get off his lap and leave, I noticed a slight soft pulling on my hair strands. My breath caught and I tensed, not sure of what to make of this. He must have felt my tension because his fingers froze but then started up again, slowly, tentatively, stroking my hair. My sobs and sniffles could still be heard through my hands and I could hear him murmuring. "Shh. It's going to be okay. I promise." _What? He was comforting me? After the way I had just yelled at him and had broken down in front of him? How could this be?_ I parted my hands an inch, peeked one eye through and began to take in my surroundings. I was in the Blacks' living room, on their couch, in Jacob's lap. I hesitantly removed both of my hands from their post as my shields and turned my neck ever so slowly to look up at him. His eyes met mine and I noticed the difference right away. He was no longer angry. No pain. And thankfully, no pity. If there had been pity, I don't know how I could have handled that. It was better than being shirked off of the grounds of La Push due to my mental instability but still. That would not have been good. Instead I saw a little of worry but not in a bad way, the way that would make a person feel as if anything they did would be examined by a shrink. And I saw...love. I was in shock. Not that I didn't know that he had feelings for me. He had made that pretty clear while waiting for Mike Newton outside the bathroom that night. But I wasn't expecting the depth with which I saw now staring back at me, ever so intently. I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding and I lowered my eyes. I wasn't sure what to do about this newfound revelation. I loved Jake, I did. But as a brother. As a best friend. I still loved Edward even if Edward didn't love me. Should I address this and tell him it will never happen? Or will that just hurt him more? Make him angry and never want to see me again? My fears becoming a reality in the next five minutes, with me running (and tripping I'm sure) to my truck with him bellowing, "Never come back!"...I just couldn't bear it. My eyes closed at the horrible thought in pain and then I opened them again to see him still looking at me. His other hand came up and softly brushed a strand of hair out of my wet face. I didn't even want to think about the mess that laid before him right now.

"I'm...I'm s-sorry," I whispered, looking down at his chest as I spoke.

Silence. I sniffled one last time before finally finding the courage to lift my eyes to his. He seemed to blur a bit and fear immediately overtook me. _Oh God, was he phasing again? Did I get him angry again? How had I gotten him mad? By apologizing? Oh no._ But I needn't have worried. It was me that was shaking. I didn't mean to but I couldn't get it to stop. He lifted one hand and cupped my chin, forcing me to still as he looked at me. "I'm sorry, too." he said, quiet as ever. He leaned his face up to mine slowly and I began to panic. No. I was not ready for this. Yes, this would make him happy, but I still loved Edward. No. And then, as if he read my mind, he lifted his face higher and softly kissed me on the forehead right above my brows. _Okay, I was not expecting that._ I let out another breath that had been waiting to escape. He smirked and I could see some of the pain return to his eyes but also with some humor. "You worry too much, Bells."

I shrugged and tried to offer a small smile in return. I was exhausted. What a day. I laid my head down onto his chest again, content to stay there with him until one or both of us had to get up. His one hand had never stopped stroking my hair but I noticed now the other one was rubbing lazy circles on my back gently. He tilted his head and laid his cheek onto my hair. "I'll never leave you, Bells," I heard him say as my eyes began to lower. "I promise. I would never do that to you. I know you're hurting. I know. And I'm sorry I lost my temper today and said those things but I just want you to be happy, Bella. Your _dream_ caught me off guard. That's all. I told you I was willing to wait and that hasn't changed. I'll wait as long as it takes. I'm still here." And with that, I relaxed and my eyes closed and I drifted off into unconsciousness.

An hour and a half later, I awoke to a clanging and then a hushed curse. I sat up quickly, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, noticing I was on the couch with Jacob nowhere in sight. Oh wait, that had been Jacob cursing. I lifted myself off of the couch and made my way into the kitchen. And the sight I saw made me want to laugh out loud. There was Jacob, a pan in his hand with some sloppy blackened mixture that could only be described as inedible and possibly sickening, holding the other hand's thumb in his mouth, sucking on it, while the flame on the stove raged. His face was one of pain and annoyance and my urge to laugh went away.

"What happened?"

He turned around to face me, a shy smile on his face. "Well, you were asleep. And I thought you'd be hungry when you woke up so I was trying to" his voice got quieter and quieter as he spoke, almost as if he was ashamed, "make you something." His face turned a darker color as he turned the stove off and placed the disgusting pan in the sink. He was blushing! I had such a strong desire to go up to him and hug him, wipe that expression off his face. And so I did, snaking my arms around his waist as he stood over the sink, filling his strange vomit-inducing-colored concoction with water. After everything today, he still tried to take care of me. Sometimes, he was just too cute.

He turned around and hugged me back, crushing me against him and laying his chin on top of my head. I glanced at the clock on the stove. 12:30. I knew he had to go patrol at 9 later that evening.

"Tell you what," I began as I stepped out of his embrace. "I'll make dinner, okay? Let me see what's around and I'll throw something together. Sound good?"

He nodded his assent, a huge grin on his face, one that I easily returned. As it turned out, I decided on chicken enchiladas. Granted, it would take a bit in the crock pot for the chicken but once that was done, it would be so simple yet completely filling. So Jake and I popped in a movie, Gladiator (being his choice of course, the guy loves his action movies), and we sat down to watch. Halfway through, Billy came home and was all too thrilled to find out that I was making dinner for the evening rather than his son. He sat in the kitchen, reading his paper for a while, and Jake and I continued the movie. Once that was finished, I made my way into the kitchen to continue with the meal. Jake of course couldn't stop quoting the film. "What we do in life echoes in eternity!" He smirked and Billy chuckled while I rolled my eyes and went back to my chicken. 

Pretty soon, I felt a wadded up piece of paper hit my head. _What the--?_ I turned around and Billy was smiling while Jake completely stared at the ceiling, whistling, trying to look all innocent. _Um-hmm, so that's how it's going to be._ I turned back to my chicken but then feigned as if I had forgotten something in the cabinet near Jake's head. I could tell he was planning on another impish trick on me but was waiting for me to turn around again. I rolled my eyes again automatically. _Boys._ But just as I was about to, I immediately sprung myself at him, my fingers getting anywhere they could reach, tickling like mad. His laughter could be heard all throughout La Push, I'm sure of it. 

"No. Stop! Bells. Please. Ah--That's not--Bells--not fair. Cut it out. I'm--I'm warning--you." He was laughing and writhing so hard, he had fallen out of his chair and had pulled me with him. I was still on top, being merciless with my tickling. I glanced up quickly to notice Billy wheeling out of the kitchen, shaking his head at our childish display. And in the moment, Jake decided to take advantage of my distraction. Suddenly, I somehow ended up on my back, underneath him, even though he was keeping all his weight on his forearms, looking down at me. Both of our faces were flushed from laughing so hard and our laughter was starting to die down. Suddenly, his eyes were peering into mine more intently and there was no laughter now. He started to lean in. _Oh no, not again. No, I can't right now. I don't want to hurt him but I know if I reject him right now, it's not going to go over well. Please don't let him kiss me right now. Please._ And just as I thought my prayers would never be answered since fate always seemed to be against me that way, his left hand came up and started tickling my neck. A huge smile appeared on his face, flashing his brilliant white teeth and then he was tickling me all over. "Stop!" I screamed. I was laughing really hard again. "Stop! Jacob!" I was breathless. "Jac--you need to--stop! No! You--that's not--ah--stop--it--before I--get--mad!" I managed to get out somehow. 

"Oh no. Bells, I don't want to make you angry. Uh oh. Let me back off. You might hurt me. Oh no!" He had stopped tickling me and even though I knew he was mocking me, I had won. I made a move to get up off of the floor, out from underneath him. As I did, he began tickling me again, sending me right back to where I had been, wriggling in agony. "Not fair is it, Bells?" He gave me a smug smile. _Why that little--_ I gained enough clarity of mind to start tickling him back until he couldn't stop laughing and he toppled onto me. He knocked my breath out of me but then moved to the side, still laughing and still tickling! _Ugh!_

After about five more minutes of this horseplay, I became the serious grown-up again and declared that I had to continue making dinner. He allowed me to seeing as how Jake could never do anything to hurt his chances of getting food. We continued to make fun of each other, laugh, and enjoy our time together overall. He even helped me when the chicken was done, putting the mixture into the tortillas before folding them and putting them in the pan to place into the oven. Once it was finished, I sat down to eat with Billy and Jake. Charlie was working the late shift so there was no need to worry about him. But we talked and laughed and it felt...good. Safe. Comfortable. Laid back. Right. And all the while, Jake kept looking at me with that same expression he had before, the one with love written all over it. And to my surprise, it didn't seem to bother me as much as it had before.

The engine coughed again as if to remind me that it was still here, working for me, trying to get me where I needed to go, demanding some attention from its driver. I glanced in the rear view mirror. Nothing. I checked my watch. Five minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Written: 10/28/09  
> Re-edited: 12/7/19


	2. Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.  
>   
> All quotes in bold and italics are from the books.

_Five minutes._

I glanced again at the new radio in my dashboard calling my eighteenth birthday to mind once again as it had many times before. I remembered Emmett rushing out to install it (well the other one, not this one, Edward had put this one in quickly), all excited with the largest grin on his face, like the big kid he was. Alice smiling widely and somewhat smugly as I looked around me at the beautifully decorated living room. Carlisle and Esme looking on warmly, smiling faintly, happy that their _daughter_ was yet celebrating another human birthday. Rosalie looking somewhat bored and as if she was fulfilling another one of those obligatory appearances required yearly at a family function on some Godforsaken holiday or other. Edward's crooked smile, the one I loved, frozen on his face as his honey eyes took in his beloved. Jasper's face still, unexpressive, his dark eyes--his lips bared above his teeth, snarls ripping through the air as he lunged at me. The pain in my arm as I collided with the piano and the sound of glass shattering. Edward's back towards me as he threw Jasper across the room, protecting me. The birthday that had started the rollercoaster that is currently my life. The birthday that convinced the love of my life to leave me, taking all of my hopes and dreams of joining him in his eternal existence alongside his family, with him. The birthday that had forged a huge hole in my chest, the one that had still to this day not fully healed. The birthday that had led to my determination at breaking my promise to said love of my life. The birthday that had led me back to Jacob. The birthday that had started it all.

Even then I knew one thing. Even before Edward had taken me for that disastrous walk in the woods. I did not belong in his world. I knew the truth of it but refused to accept it. I would not allow it the seepage into my brain it so desperately desired. Even when I became aware of Jacob's destiny, I told myself that it was still a small tether to that world. To _him_. How else would I have found more mythical creatures in the small town of Forks even after the supernatural Cullen family had left? Besides being the typical danger magnet that I was, of course. And Laurent? Victoria? This only proved to further my mad thinking even more. I _did_ belong in his world. And I belonged with him in it. That's what Jacob hadn't understood. That's what I could never dare to whisper aloud while _he_ had been gone. And when Alice had shown up that day of my infamous near-deadly cliff dive, I knew that all along I was right. I was meant to be with Edward until the end, vampire Bella or human Bella, didn't matter. Although, I preferred vampire Bella, staying forever frozen at eighteen. I knew I would force Edward or Carlisle to turn me, even though I secretly hoped Edward would do it. But if he refused, then Carlisle. I wasn't even above begging Alice.

As all of these thoughts circled in my head, it amazed me how things had changed so drastically since then. Once Edward had come back, after Italy, I was back to being his Bella. Back to being part of the Cullens and back to having a supernatural fate once again. Alice had continually assured me that she still saw me becoming one of them. However, there was one thing that had changed. Jacob. Somehow, during that time Edward had been gone, Jacob had taken residence in the parts of my heart that had survived the aftermath of my Edward-less existence, if you can call it that, an existence. I felt connected to him in such a surreal way. Whenever he was happy, I was happy. Whenever he felt sad, well, I was in pain, too. Even though I knew, I was the source of most of that pain. I winced at the thought. No, the truth. I knew that on some level I had used my best friend. Even though I genuinely liked him and appreciated his friendship and generosity, I had used him. Not that I meant to or had set out to do so, but still, I had. To hear my long lost lover's voice of all things. To make me feel better, forcing some life into my zombie shell. I knew that he had feelings for me but I never once forced myself to do the selfless thing. I had been selfish. But, even through all of it, Jacob forgave me and stayed by my side. Forcing himself into the "friend zone" whenever he was needed. My Jacob.

That had changed some when Edward came back into the picture, of course. I knew it would but I still hoped. At first, Jake was angry and hurt and refused to speak to me. Then, he had become more persistent in his pursuit of me, always skillfully dancing the line between friends and something more. He had always done that, blurring the lines, but he was definitely more vocal and pushy this time around. And again, I could never bring myself to do the selfless thing. _Selfish._ I shut my eyes momentarily, quickly shaking my head, as I hurled this accusation at myself. If I had been forced, a truth serum shot into me, and then asked why I had never let him go, my answer would've been the epitome of everything I hated about myself. " _Because I needed him. I still do. I can't be without him."_

Even when I knew I had chosen Edward, had accepted his marriage proposal much to my dismay. Not because of the groom but more the principle of the thing. Who would have thought Edward to be so old-fashioned? Well, he was technically close to a century year-old and he had come from a time where marriage was first, before kissing, before anything. So, I guessed it made sense. Plus, he would give me what I so desperately wanted once I was his. To be like him. Now this thought just made me shudder, almost as if I was sitting in an ice-filled cab. So I turned the direction of my thoughts again to the warmest source I knew.

Jake's first kiss had definitely caught me off guard. The truth had been hiding itself that day so deep inside me that nothing Jake did or said would have brought it out, no matter how hard he tried. I had instead become angry, punching him leading to a broken hand and an even more shattered ego. I should have known that he wasn't that soft. And now I had the fracture to prove my temper and stupidity all in one. I had been thrilled when Edward came to my rescue, promising to take care of me as he so often did. My anger towards Jake had only intensified when his smug attitude had come to the surface when Edward had confronted him. Sam's Jacob. How I hated him sometimes.

Almost as if I was watching a movie in my head, the images flashed by fast. Jake snapping the bracelet in place on my wrist at the graduation party, the russet wolf charm dangling as he looked at me. The russet wolf heading over to me in the clearing, licking the side of my face when I got too close. The russet wolf again laying next to me as I stared at the sky, refusing to watch the play violence just feet away from me. The soft warmth of his fur. His dark eyes fixated on me as I talked to him, stroking the fur on his side. Jake's expression when he sighed and asked me when I would finally know that I was in love with him, too. Truth was I did know it but the pull i felt to Edward, the Cullens, their world, had been too strong. Too strong for Jacob to contend with. The feel of his arms around me as I laid my head on his chest in the tent. The warmth, spreading throughout my body, again acting as a life-saving force that I just couldn't wrap my head around, the magic of it. How he had calmed down quickly once I laid my hand on his chest right before I made Edward apologize for his rudeness. The howl that had echoed with the pain that had sliced through me again and again as I realized that he had heard the promise I had made Edward. Even now, thoughts of that howl, still cut through my very soul, still forcing a cringe and a wince, twisting a few fibers on the side of the hole that Jacob had helped to try to heal. His kiss, so passionate, so loving, so warm, so...amazing. I had never felt this way when Edward kissed me but as soon as I had the thought, I pushed it away, back down into the recess I had banished all other Jacob-feelings into. The vision of the two black-haired children had nearly got to me, had nearly forced everything to come undone, tear away my vampire destiny and replace it with a more natural one. His face, his eyes as he looked at me after I had kissed him back with equal force. His promise to come back. His body covered with casts and bandages after the fight with the newborns. His eyes glistening as I told him the choice I had made. All of it flashing. I had felt a pull to Jacob, stronger since that kiss on the mountaintop, but I resisted it stubbornly, convinced that the pull to my other destiny was just too strong. And so I broke Jacob's heart. Again. And for what I hoped would be the final time.

_**"Love you, Jacob."** _

_**"Love you more."** _

His last words to me echoed throughout my head, determined to haunt me until I set foot in La Push and ended all of this for the both of us.

I checked my watch again. _Whew. Two minutes. Yes, finally._ All the other times I had travelled to La Push had never felt this long. Probably because I had never had so much to lose before. I was nervous but also happy. Somehow I just knew I was making the right choice. Just two more minutes...

That's when I saw it. The silver Volvo in my rear view mirror, about an inch from my bumper it looked like. Damn, I had forgotten to check the rear view mirror during my long reverie of events long past. I heard the horn honks but I refused to acknowledge them. I just wanted to get into La Push, see Jacob, tell him my decision and then deal with Edward after. I knew that my strength was already waning due to the heavy emotions that surrounded my decision. I did not want to take the chance that I would feel that pull again that would lead to me being cold, no heart beating, golden eyes and marble skin. Not that Edward had ever tried to dazzle me, really, I was pretty sure he couldn't. But I definitely didn't want to take the chance. I turned my rear view mirror down so I couldn't see the amber eyes that were burning holes into mine.

Suddenly, I heard the squealing of tires and quickly glanced in my side view mirror. The Volvo was gone. Did that mean I was at the treaty line? I heaved a sigh of relief. I was wrong. The Volvo appeared alongside me on the left in the opposite lane, his window down as I heard him yell, "Bella! Pull over! Please! I need to talk to you!" Even yelling as we were both driving, the wind screaming past us, his voice still sounded like smooth velvet. _Unbelievable._ I couldn't chance a glance at him, he would work through my steel resolve in a heartbeat. Ironically, the one thing I was trying to keep. For me. For Charlie. For _Jacob_. I couldn't push my truck any faster. It was rebelling again, wheezing and complaining as if it was taking the side of my former love, threatening to stop me so I could never reach my personal sun.

"No, no, no. Please. Be nice. Please, just let me get to him."

But it didn't matter what my truck would do or if it would ignore my pleadings, the Volvo had picked up speed and had fled past me. I chanced one last look at my watch. One minute. I saw some of the first houses outside of the reservation that signified the beginnings of my destination. I had no idea where the Volvo had gone along with its driver. I knew he would not be allowed to cross the line. Not now. There was no more threat to me, the citizens of La Push or Forks. Only Carlisle had that privilege. I slowed down to a considerable ten miles less than I had been going just a second ago, just to make sure the engine would have no excuses, allowing me to reach the Blacks. Before I had a chance to get lost in deep thought again, driving on autopilot, I noticed the Volvo almost immediately, parked haphazardly, strewn across the lane, my lane! Right where she I headed, its driver standing, smiling smugly, in front of it. I slammed on my ancient brakes, praying that they would work. I didn't have time for another trip to the ER. This was too important. I needed to get to Jacob. And I needed to see him. Now.

This time, the universe decided to play nice, and my truck came to a complete stop, just two inches away from Edward. I was pretty sure that he could have stopped me by just reaching his hand out, I had seen him do that firsthand, but I was grateful he hadn't. I needed my truck. Once I was able to stop, I was thrown back into my seat forcefully from the jolt, afraid to look up at the reason why my brakes were surely dead, being punched through the floor of the cab in my effort to make sure they worked. _No. I will not look into his eyes. There will be pain there. I'll cave. No. I'll look down and tell him to leave._ That'll work. I knew he would approach the driver's side and open the door, so it didn't surprise me one bit when I heard the exaggerated groan from my left as he did so. I made sure I kept my face buried in my arms, placed on the steering wheel, not looking. _Jake. Jake. Jake. His bright smile. My smile. His hands. Warm hands. **'I'm in love with you, Bella.'** Jake. Jake. 'Bella, I love you.' Jake. Jake. Jake._

"Bella?"

Dammit, there was that velvet voice again, smooth, firm yet gentle to my ears. I gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles went white and shut my eyes tighter. _Jake. Jake. Jake._

"Bella, love. What are you doing?"

Before I knew what I was doing, I turned my head slightly and peered up at him through one open eye. I had been right. There was pain there and I was again, the source of it. And then it popped into my head again.

_Selfish._

I closed my eye and heaved a heavy sigh. Why is it that I kept hurting everyone I loved? I had told Edward that I had wanted to be with him forever and I had broken Jacob's heart. Now, I was doing the same thing again except asking these two to reverse the roles? _Dammit._ I lifted my head an inch then slammed my head back onto my arms, not caring one bit that my horn blasted in response to the force.

"Bella."

I again turned my head towards him, opening both eyes this time, not knowing what to say or do. The pain in his amber eyes were killing me as I was killing him. I held my breath and became quite still, hoping this moment would go away on its own. I didn't want to face it.

"Are you leaving me?"

_Crap._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First written: 11/1/09  
> Re-edited: 12/7/19


End file.
